Saying good-bye

Clovis is the first place I lived with Ben.  It was our first home together.  It was the first place that was our's. I'll always look back and remember the excitement we had our first day here, unpacking, and setting up our home.  It's changed a ton since we first got here, but it's our's still.  We have spent time watching movies, laughing, cooking, playing games, and entertaining our friends.  

Clovis is where we rescued Otis from the pound.  He was the cutest, sweetest, neediest little guy in there.  I had to have him.  He and Rilo became friends and he fit right into our little family.  Had we not gotten him, I would have been attacked by a dog while I was pregnant and could have been the victim of a home invasion.    We also got Margot here.  A feisty little ball of fluff we rescued from being euthanized.  She warmed up to Otis, even though he was terrified of her.

Clovis is where my daughter was born.  The hospital staff are absolutely wonderful, and I wouldn't hesitate to have another child here.  They were patient, attentive, and caring.  My daughter spent the first year of her life here.  She sat up, tried solid food, crawled, walked, opened her first stocking, got teeth, walked, laughed, played, read books, and had many other firsts.  She has been up and down the halls, in and out of every room, and has made me laugh everywhere.  This was her first home, so for that, I'll look back fondly.  

Clovis is where I met friends that I will hopefully have for life.  We may not talk daily, but I love them dearly and am thankful for each of them.  Colsie, Elsa, Mira, Ashley...you 4 ladies have made/did make living here much easier.  I have enjoyed spending time with you, getting to know you, shopping, going out to eat, drinking wine, and watching movies.  You all are wonderful girls.  

Clovis is where I had my first real classroom.  Cameo Elementary was the best job I have ever had.  The people that I worked with were absolutely amazing, dynamic, and caring teachers.  Darla, Kathryn, Cheryl, Gaylinda (TEAM AWESOME), and others...they are stellar teachers and I am proud that I worked and learned from them.  I cherish all of your friendships and what you taught me about being a teacher.

Clovis is where I learned to be more guarded.  I had never had too many close girlfriends before marrying Ben and moving to a base.  I was thrown into friendships with ease because of the close ATC group.  It was easy to befriend people for me, being as I'm friendly and can get along with many.  It was not easy to discover that for months/over a year lies were spread about myself. It was incredibly disappointing, but my continued niceness to them only makes them look worse.  At our next base, I will be more guarded with whom I spend time with.

Clovis is a place we lived for 5 years. Clovis is a place where I have made some incredible friends. Clovis is where I learned.  Clovis is a smelly town that sometimes can be pleasant.  Clovis is a smelly town that can be incredibly frustrating.  Clovis is a place we lived. 

 It's time to head on to a new adventure.  

My days:

*Had friends over yesterday to watch football.  Super fun.  Love spending time with them.

*Packed up a ton today.

*Mom booked her ticket out to Clovis so she can ride back with me, Delilah, and the pups.  (Ben and Margot will be in the Uhaul)

*I started watching Dr. Who.  Totally campy and British, and I love it.

*Delilah steals my heart every single day.  She's the smartest, most wonderful, most beautiful little girl in the whole world.

*Ben and I have been watching Homeland.  Holy crow, it's so good!

*I can't believe we're outta here in like 10 days.  Ben is stressed out because people on base here that push paper are the WORST, but I know everything will just fall into place.

That's really about it.  I'm going to try and go get some sleep.  Another big day tomorrow.

Playing the waiting game

We have 2 weeks left here.  We're waiting on Ben's orders to come down.  It's a hurry up and wait game with the military.  The house is so close to being packed up.  Most of what is left are things that we use or will use on the daily.  I also need to pick up some bubble wrap for some of our breakables.  My wonderful mom is flying down just so she can ride back with me...otherwise that would be a 12 hour car ride with 2 dogs and a baby...by myself!  (Ben is driving a U-Haul).  Holy crow, no thanks.

Nothing much else is going on.  Just getting ready for the move, which isn't easy with an active toddler!  

All my artsy stuff is packed up, so I'm getting quite itchy in the creative sense.  I have so many ideas of new projects...just gotta wait til we're more settled before I can.  

Clovis Walmart

Oh, Clovis Walmart, you never fail to disgust me.

You never seem to have at least a few things I need in stock.  This time, it was eggs.  What the hell?  How do you not have egg?.  You had some 18 packs, but they were thrown around and broken.  The aisles were bare, yet again.  The entire store is completely filthy.  I hope that someday a Target comes in to town and gives you all a run for your money.  You know that you're the "big business" in town and that you carry much of what can't be purchased elsewhere, and you know that you can do whatever you want without repercussions. It's very disappointing.  It's also disappointing that this has been reported by me many many times and from others as well and nothing is done.  Someone from corporate needs to come in and fix this store, because the managers and employees don't care.

Need eggs?  TOO BAD-THEY'RE ALL BROKEN

Typical shelves.

Good thing I didn't need any make-up today.

The place was packed, that's to be expected.  What sucks is that the customers were filthy, coughing without covering their mouths, and were rude.  Not your fault, just made the trip even less enjoyable.  Every aisle I walked down had boxes in the middle, and the shoppers would block the other pathways.  When I needed to get by, some looked me straight in the eye and just turned around without moving.  Complete lack of courtesy.  It's insane.

Goodness gracious, this town is a mess.  There are some truly wonderful people that live here by choice, but the majority that live here are dirty, entitled, and rude.  (I guess I should say that many of the military wives here are that way too!  haha)

One more month.

A letter to 2 members of my family.

Mary,

We haven't spoken in a year and a half.  In that time, I've wanted to write you many times, but I just didn't know what to say and how to say it.

Let's first start off by stating the obvious.

There is no way I would ever "steal" a name that Samantha chose while she wasn't pregnant.  I was still pulling for Gwendolyn or Zoe at that point.  While I was 7 months pregnant, Ben came to me one day and said that he had been thinking on a name and would fit her middle name perfectly.  The name, obviously, was Delilah.  Her middle name has been picked out long before she was born.  When Ben and I first talked about marriage back in 2004, we also talked about children.  I always said that I wanted my future daughter to have the middle name Jean because it was both my Grandma's and my mom's middle name.  It held very special meaning to me.  My mom never suggested any names to me, nor would she suggest a name that Samantha had mentioned.  That's just not something that people do.  I think, deep down, you know that.  I think you've always known that.

**EDIT**
So since some new information has come to light, I think I'll address it here.
Ben picked Delilah's name in September of 2011. Sam's new baby was born in June.  She wasn't pregnant when he suggested the name.  So when you told my mom that the other day in town, you were lying.  9 months before June would be October/November.
For bringing my sister-in-law into things, she and I talked, and she told me that the subject of Delilah's beautiful name has never come up between her and Jevin.  In fact, she says that Jevin has nothing but nice things to say about Ben.  The only logical explanation for you saying that Rachel told Jevin that I chose the name, not Ben, is that you're lying...yet again.
I realize that you're in a real bind because you've probably realized how badly this has gone.  How the lies and deceit have buried you.  It's too bad, because it's never going to be like it was before.  There is NO WAY I want my daughter around you, knowing how you can turn your back so quickly...and Samantha?  I don't need to list the reason I don't want Delilah around her, do I?  Even before all this, she and I hadn't actually talked in 2 years or so aside from the occasional fb comment. Our lives our completely different, and we are completely different people.  Thank goodness.

**END EDIT**

After thinking long and hard about your reaction, I realized that you had to take Samantha's side, even knowing that she was lying.  She is your child and has your grandchild (now grandchildren).  She may have become angry at you, and kept Lilly away from you.  I can see that happening.  I know it's happened before when she's been upset with you.
It still doesn't take the anger and the hurt out of the situation though.  After helping you through all that you were going through, being your support system when everything was happening, giving you a place to live, furniture, and helping you find a place of your own.  You were able to just drop my mom with a snap because your daughter lied about a situation.

You know that Samantha has always lied to try and get me in trouble or make others believe things about me.  She did it a lot when we lived together, she tried doing it at Grandma's a bunch, and it happened as adults now.  I have always tried to look past that part of her because we were family.  Seeing what she did now though, she drew a line down the middle of what's left of our family, and no one is saying anything about it...it's troubling to say the least.  She's not answering for her lying, and I honestly wonder if she believes it or if she knows she's not being truthful.  I'd like to think that you at least know the truth, but took her side because of Lilly, but I'm not sure.

I hope that one day it's not like this, but after such a betrayal, I don't know if a true reconciliation is even possible.

I wonder what Grandma would say if she was here and could see the way you treated my mom and the way that Samantha treats the family and herself.  I know she'd be disappointed.  That must be such a heavy feeling on your heart, knowing that the one person we all truly loved wouldn't be happy with your actions.

I don't know if we'll ever talk in person again, and I'm honestly OK with that.  I want people in my life and in my family that I can count on, not just those that need me and can leave me.  I want people in my life who love unconditionally, not just for what I can offer.  I want people in my life that my daughter can look up to and love, not those whom I hope that she would never be like.  Family isn't just blood, and I love the family that I have.

I guess that's all I really have to say now.  I don't know if this will fan the flames of the lies more, or if you'll actually take what I say to heart.  I hope it's the latter.  I hope that you continue to be able to live with the guilt over how you've treated your sister, niece, and grandniece.  Good luck in life, and I hope you find true happiness...not just the fake glossy "happiness" that you sought when you believed a lie that ultimately cost you the one person who has always been there you're entire life.

**EDIT**
I'll add this in:  What would your mother think of all of this?  What do you think she would say about your behavior, about Samantha's?  Do you think she would approve?  She'd be heartbroken to see the way you two have acted.
**END EDIT**

-Danielle


Samantha,

Let me start off by saying congratulations.  You have successfully pulled people in our family apart.  I'm sure that makes you feel like you have power in some way, but I think it's pretty darn sad.

I must tell you, I think your whole life is sad.  You have made yourself into a permanent victim for your entire life.  Each time something happens in your life negatively (because of a choice you made), you would blame it on something else...when we were little, it's that you never saw your dad much.
Let me lay something out for you:  That's no excuse.  I never saw my dad, and you had a stable father figure in your life from the time when you were 4 and on.  You used that as an excuse to make bad choices and have people feel sorry for you.  I never did.  I was in a similar situation, but I made good choices, and am living an amazing life.

I know all about your sexual escapades in Harrisonville.  It's a small town, things get around.  In fact, when I started dating Ben, he knew someone you worked with and was told that you slept with almost every guy that you worked with.  I wasn't surprised...and I wasn't surprised when I found out you had herpes.  That is so disgusting, I can't even describe the level of gross.  I know all about you and David searching out sexual partners on craigslist.  (And you tried to blame it all on him, like you had no part in it...even though you were a "swinger" too)  Doing that with your kid around...wow.  You're not only a bad person, but you're not a very good mom either.  How could you meet up with random people and bring them back to the house where your child was?  That's dangerous and stupid.  I wasn't surprised when David left you for the woman you were swinging with.  Did you think it would get him back getting together with the swinger's husband?  That's so twisted, it could be a Jerry Springer episode.  I mean, really.

Before all that swinging stuff, you were living in a trailer on David's parents' land...no running water or anything.  What the hell were you doing?  There is government assistance housing for people like you, so your daughter doesn't have to suffer for your bad choices.  That's terrible.  You should feel awful.  I hope Lilly was too young to ever remember that.

Lying to your mom to cause a rift in the family.  You have ALWAYS wanted things I have and have made up countless lies about me to try and get me in trouble or cause trouble for me.  Case in point, that tattoo on your back? I described that to you a month before you got it.  I wasn't surprised when you did get it though, you've always wanted what I've had.  Jealousy shines through you with a bright green light.  Everyone knows you're a liar.  Hell, your own mother admitted that you're a liar.  Unfortunately, you have Lilly now, and your mom knows that you'd keep Lilly from her if she didn't go along with your lies.  That's so demented.  You would have said that you liked any name that I would have picked, I guarantee it.  That's just the kind of person you are. What's sad, is that Ben picked out the name.  How were you to know that though?  You saw and opportunity and ran with it.  Again, I'm not surprised.  You seize the moment.

Your mom and Lilly are so wrapped up in your manipulation.  There will come a day when you will abandon your mom again, and she won't have anyone to go back to.  Maybe that's already happened, I don't know, because I've cut all ties with you and your mom.  I can't have people like you two in my life.  There's too much negativity, too much drama, too much lying.  I would never want to bring Delilah around you guys.  Exposing her to that is something that's just not going to happen.  That would be irresponsible parenting on my part.

While you live with your (married) boyfriend and your newest child out of wedlock and his other children, I'll be living the good life with my husband, Delilah, and our pets.  You enjoy living in Butler, in a dirty house, with no education, and I'll be off in Germany traveling Europe with my wonderful family.  Do you REALLY think that I'm jealous of you, or want ANYTHING you have?  I have it all and more.  Your actions show just how despicable of a person you are and just how jealous you are of the life I lead.  It's pathetic.

What would Grandma think of your behavior?  Not just manipulating and lying, but being such a whore?  Do you think she'd be proud of you?  Your behavior would have made her cry.  How sad your life must be.

Enjoy your life of lies, Samantha.  I hope it was all worth it.

Danielle