Sunday, August 7, 2011

How to not be a total douche bag, Lesson 1

Movie theater etiquette:

In a movie theater, there are several rules to be followed to ensure an enjoyable experience for everyone.  I know, it's weird to think that those people in chairs next to you ALSO paid to see the same movie you're seeing, but it's true.  Here are some rules to follow at the movie theater:

1. Chew with your mouths closed.

I know, this is a hard one for those of you who grew up in homes with sloppy parents that didn't have manners themselves.  We're old enough to know that once food goes in, your mouth shouldn't open again until you have swallowed.  No one else wants to see or hear the popcorn, nachos, pickles, candy, etc...that you have purchased for 80% markup at the concession counter.  I'm not saying that you can't eat!  Heaven forbid, I know that some of you must have your movie snack.  I'm just simply saying that I don't want to hear every crunch and slurp coming from your mouth.

This is what you look like to me.

2. Don't talk on your cell phone.

Yes, this should be a given, since you're at the movie theater.  Some of you have forgotten this simple rule though!  The movie theater has these handy things called doors from whence you can enter and exit at your leisure if you need to take a phone call.  Phones also come with this handy feature called "silent" or "vibrate" so that you can still receive calls, but you don't disrupt the theater.  I know that you might think that answering your phone during a movie is actually important and you're simply above everyone else, but you're not.  Kindly leave or I might take your phone and chuck it at the wall.

3. Don't have audible conversations about things other than the actual movie.

The status of your lawn care, what you fed the baby, or what you're doing AFTER the movie aren't subjects that the rest of the theater needs to know about.  In fact, we don't really care at all.  Your life is mundane, and I didn't pay $8 to listen to you talk about your life.  No one else really cares about it either.  You are unimportant and so are your conversations once the movie has started in the eyes of those around you.  Shhhh.

4. Keep your feet off the seat in front of you if it is in use.

It would be lovely if all theaters were like Fork and Screen and had plush recliners to sit in.  Unfortunately, that is not how 90% of theaters are, so you should do the following options with your legs:  cross them, place both feet firmly on the ground, sit cross legged.  Do not put your feet on the seat in front of you if someone is in it, do not kick it, do not wiggle it with your feet.  Just leave the person in front of you alone.  It's not a massage chair, and they are uncomfortable enough as is without having your feet/legs violently shaking them.

(Do you really need a visual?)

5. If you must bring a child, please control him/her.

That would include following the rules above as well as making sure your child doesn't throw candy or throw fits.  Your precious snowflake is not more important than the storyline.  No one paid money to listen to a tantrum, and you shouldn't subject people to your child's whims.  It makes him/her look like a brat, and it makes you look like a shitty parent.  (Remember, there are doors for you to use at your leisure!)

Thank you.

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